Friends are great, but sometimes they can be a real pain! They eat your last chocolate, leave dirty drawers lying around, and bring over their other ‘friends’ unannounced. No wonder you wanna wring their necks. Well, the thought crossed your mind – time to put that plan into action! “But I like them,” you say. “But you’re still reading,” I say…Here are 5 great reasons to kill your friend today.
1. Get the inheritance!
You can book a Death Trap almost anywhere in the world. It might be a plane crash, train crash, bus crash. It could be a ‘terrorist’ attack or electrocution (Oopsie! Dodgy wiring!). Once you’ve chosen how your friend will die, start getting their assets BUT be subtle! Don’t tell the whole world you’re getting the house if she ever accidentally falls down five flights of stairs. The Death Trap organisation advises you to get smaller assets like jewellery. Don’t take too much or their family will notice.
2. Get their lover!
When your friend dies, their lover will need a shoulder to cry on, and a bed to sleep in. Be there first! You know how your friends are. Again, be subtle. Take over some food, make them a hot drink. Cry a bit. Leave. Visit more and more often until you fall into each other’s arms. Next morning, act like you feel guilty. Cry some more. If all goes well, there’s more fun to come. Otherwise, try again next month.
3. Get their friends!
Meaning friends of friends. You know, those nobodies Facebook recommends. Reach out to them and connect. You could even start a memorial group – nothing fancy like logos, banners, LIKEs, just a basic place to chill, I mean, mourn. Why do this? Money. You’re paying AT LEAST £10,000 ($15,000 at current conversion rates) to bump your friend off. Gotta make that money back somehow! Build up your network and transition over to LinkedIn. Wait a month or two before making work enquiries. Don’t mention your friend over there or it’ll look like you’re using them.
4. Get their family!
Mums and Dads and the rest can be annoying sometimes. Other parents let you get away with murder. Adopt your friend’s family. They’re desperate to fill that void, so let them use you. In return, you’ve expanded your network even more and have a second home. Play your cards right and you might get some inheritance (your friend’s share). If your new parents are too young, just give us a call and we’ll help them along.
5. Get a discount!
The Death Trap organisation knows not everyone can afford the hefty fees. That’s why for the next 24hrs only, they’re offering a 20% discount if you buy this book! That’s right! Choose any friend you (dis)like to try their assassination services. You might save hundreds, even thousands. What have you got to lose?
Those are 5 great reasons to kill your friend today! It might seem scary now, but after the Death Trap your life will never be the same. Think of the money, the power, the network, the friends, and more family. No more irritating friends borrowing your stuff and never bringing it back. No more late night parties when you’re trying to sleep. No more hot lovers you could only dream of. Now everything they have will be yours.